Take.Me.Anywhere

The darkness, is where I live better now.  I feel myself there, I belong there, alone from everyone, all by myself. Counting the hours, counting the minutes, counting the seconds. No feeling of sympathy, of generosity, of happiness. I feel sad and sad I m. Empty and corrosively helpless. Counting to the day I will be happy again. Any happiness now is a mascara, only me forgetting for a short time.

Almost 5 days ago you left. I still don’t know why it hurts so much. You already left me once and twice, so why it is so different this time?  I am not myself, the stress is consuming me, minute after minute.  Knowing you are far from me more than seven thousand kilometers, away in countries, away in continents, but at least in the same world.  I have to see you. Every message I put out there I think you’re watching it, every thought I think I imagine you receiving it.  I need to feel you, more than I have ever thought I would need. The absence of your touch, the existence of your non-nexistence. The hole you left in me, I’m stuck there.

Deparo-me com uma música que já não ouvia há anos, uma música que ouvia especialmente no verão, e que ouvi tanto durante 2012 quando tinha os meus 18 anos e em 2013, com os meus queridos 19. Desato a chorar assim que oiço os primeiros acordes da guitarra e nesse instante sou transportada para a meia praia em Lagos, está um sol imenso, a praia está meia deserta, o areal é extenso e estamos em Setembro, quase a entrar em aulas. O meu pai está com as suas filhas, eu e a minha irmã que tem apenas onze anos, com a sua carinha fofa mas que tanto me irrita, e estamos os três a passar "férias em família de pai e filhinhas" como lhes chamamos. Estamos em sossego, nada nos chateia, somos felizes. A ouvir a nossa música "Sunset" dos Avalanche City, a "música de pai e filhinhas", no mercedes descapotável, a descer as ruas sinuosas de Lagos, com a sua arquitectura branca e o fundo do mar azul à vista...

We are all watching life from a different point of view, some are having the hardest time of their lives and for that what am I going to say is to when you don’t see any life’s purpose, any objective idea for this life you are getting through. I find it a miracle that I’m alive, that I’m here experiencing it, experiencing this, life, breathing, smiling, crying, looking people in the eyes, making them laugh, listening to their thoughts, having people like me, liking people, loving people, loving my dog, walking in the park when the sun sets...running at the beach, doing kickbox, finding friends I haven’t seen in years! Kissing my boyfriend’s lips, closing my eyes when kissing his mouth, feeling his arms against me, looking at him right cross the dinner table, having him next to me, sleeping with him... My sister, my mother, my father...I’m grateful for their existence, for having the bless to meet them, and loving them. Life is so short, and it really is, I know we all know that fac

It may occur we fight. It my seem I am against you. It my appear I do not like you that much. However, you are my best. You are the one I seek, from the beginning to the end of the day and start of the night. You are the best. The world is nothing compared to you. You exist and make the world a better place to live in. The world is only better because you are part of it. I want to make part of this world so I can live it with you. Everytime I am angry it is me trying to have you when you are far. The truth is that I want you always. I want to have my best with me and you are my best, the best I could ever ask for. And I never asked for this much good, because I never thought it actually existed. I love you.

What a feeling...! An explosion! It is what I feel... Why?     Because I now understand how can everything fall apart from suddenly. One minute you can swear everything is like you know. And the minute after it’s like an explosion of chemicals together. It’s impossible to control it.     People become something else and the scenario changes, or maybe you have never seen the scenario like it really is, only from your perception and that idea you had it is deformed. Maybe the reality is a snowball of human feelings growing up, people changing their opinion about you. Making all of a story about you, creating a concept it is not you. And for that is why the Big Bang can be so close to happen.

Almost a year ago, I met the change. The change I needed. Like a Fenix, I was reborn. I was asleep since ever I must say. Not knowing life could be so cheerful. Not knowing I could be so grateful. I am being someone I never thought I would be. Until I went to that place,  met that future, talked to that good future. A year has been almost, yesterday I remebered all. I was the Fenix, remembering how I became happy, how I became someone I am happy for. I feel it, feel it like the blood rushing through my veins. Life needs this. I need you. I love you.

Inside anxiety there’s me living there. A tiny human being. That’s how I see it. Anxiety destroys everything that I try to built. It corrupts my thoughts and logic. I never trust myself because of anxiety. Because anxiety makes me someone I am not. Makes me be the worst of me. An anxiety way of living transforming life and making wrong choices by wrong ideas. One day I will destroy myself till the point I no longer can pretend I can live a normal life with the others.